On September 6th, 2018 at the A Big Dumb Thing Presents LIVE SHOW Jackie and James will embark on one of their greatest Challenges yet. With the help of some friends, they will endeavor to record the 500 Characters of Summer below. Between now and September 21st every classic character on the list of timeless summer characters below will be performed and preserved for all of time. We now proudly present

The Official List Of The 500 Characters of Summer:

  1. A Soft Serve Ice Cream Truck Driver Who Only Likes Hard Things
  2. Scott Stapp: Beach Goer
  3. A Seagull Who Is Afraid of Sand
  4. Harriett BEACHer Stowe
  5. A Little Girl Who Keeps Putting More Sand In Her Bathing Suit
  6. A Hot Person
  7. A Recent Italian Immigrant Who Can Only Say “Is It Me Or Is It Hot In Here?”
  8. A Lifeguard Who Can’t Read Good
  9. A Lifeguard Who Loves The Word “Cellar Door”
  10. A Dog With Long Hair Who Is TOO HOT
  11. An Ice Cream Cone Who Loved Baby Driver
  12. A Woman On Trial For Murder Because She Buried Her Friend In The Sand Up To The Neck And Forgot Her
  13. A Lifeguard Who Makes People Beg Him To Save Them
  14. Meat Wave
  15. Jimmy Buffet Eating A Veggie Burger
  16. Two Women Who Want Their Margs To Be Frozen
  17. Summer Sanders
  18. Susanne Summers
  19. Marc SUMMERS
  20. A Newborn Who Will Be Pissed If It Gets Cold Ever
  21. A Bag Of Slightly Wet Cheetos Next To The Pool
  22. A Man Who Slapped His Penis On A Hot Grill As A Joke
  23. Legs or Hot Dogs The Character
  24. Anthony Independence Day
  25. TFW They’re Out Of Mexican Street Corn At The Street Fair
  26. The Guy You Went To Middle School With Who Now Runs The Gravitron At The County Fair
  27. Your Best Friend Stevan Who Is Very Excited For Every Single Summer Blockbuster
  28. The Girl Who Brought Wine To Watch Okja In The Park
  29. A Playmate Cooler That You Can Fuck
  30. A Woman Who Thought A Hotdog Was Vegan This Whole Time
  31. Damn Daniel Back At It Again With the Spray Tans
  32. A Minor League Baseball Player With Mild B.O.
  33. Ron Jon
  34. Captain Ron Sails Again
  35. A Kid Who Wants An Ice Cream Sandwich That Won’t Lie To Him
  36. The Beer Queen
  37. A Man Who Is Afraid Of Very Good Sandcastles
  38. An Adult Man Who Celebrates His Half Birthday on June 25th Because He Was Born On Christmas And Thinks That Is Unfair
  39. A Baseball Player Who Thinks Every Hit Is A Homerun
  40. Devon Speedo
  41. A Waterpark Slide Who Wants To Taste Blood Again
  42. The Middle School Student Responsible For Fishing Turds Out Of the Kiddie Pool
  43. Mitch The Diving Board Who Hates Feet
  44. The Adult Man Who Knowingly Wears A Diaper Into The Pool
  45. Guacamole That’s Been In The Sun Too Long
  46. A Seashell That Naturally Has a Swastika On It
  47. A Woman Who Cut a One Piece in Half To Make a Bikini
  48. Edna The Driver Of The Librarymobile Who Only Wants A Pink Lemonade
  49. A Woman Who, When She Swims, Her Arms And Legs Do The Opposite Thing
  50. The Archery Instructor At Your Camp Who One Time Met A Native American
  51. A Camp Where Penis Is Illegal
  52. A Slow Shooting Star
  53. Chad Insists Tightie Whities Are Ok As Swimwear
  54. A Camp Counselor Who Is Aroused By Lanyards
  55. A Mother Whose Oldest Friend Drowned In A Kiddie Pool
  56. A Park Ranger Whose Piss Actually Tastes GOOD
  57. A Man Who Always Eats A Minions Ice Cream Bar In One Bite Before Every Tae Kwon Do Meet
  58. A Person Who Doesn’t Know What A Beach Is
  59. A Cold Father on the Boardwalk Who Only Cares About Finding Saltwater Taffy
  60. The Community Pool High Dive Master
  61. A Baseball Fan Who Forgot Their Epipen Back At Wrigley Field
  62. A Grandmother Who Insists The Sangria Has Turned To Clam Chowder
  63. A Man Who Wants To Create A New Summer Camp Based On The Gospel of Matthew
  64. The Coach Of The Traveling Baseball Team Hates Gnats
  65. A Lifeguard Who Has Never Seen The Movie Super8 But Has A Lot of Opinions
  66. A Child That Knows The Macarena Really Well And Insists They Don’t Need to Prove It
  67. A Man Who Wants To Show Off The New Lawn Sprinkler To His Fattest Neighbor
  68. Derek Insists That Freak On A Leash Saved His Summer
  69. A Man on The Beach With A Metal Detector That Screams When It Finds Something
  70. An Alien Who Thinks It’s Ok To Pee In The Pool
  71. A Tube Of Sunscreen Who Has An Attitude About People Who Can’t Speak English Well
  72. A Pair Of Very Sweaty Balls Who Have A Lot To Say About Anti-White Racism
  73. A Hairy Father Who Needs You To Really Get In Under The Hair When You “Get My Back” With Sunscreen
  74. A Man Who Covers His Finger In Sunscreen and Sticks It Up His Ass Cause ‘You Never Know’
  75. A Man Who Got Sunburned At Her Friend’s BBQ and Is Suing Her For Damages
  76. A Man Who Thinks The Only Clothes Anyone Should Wear Are Old Navy $5 Flag Shirts
  77. A Woman Who Lives At The Bottom Of A Lake And Looks Up Everyone’s Shorts
  78. A Guy Who Started A Forest Fire On Purpose Because He Believes The Park Rangers Are Lazy
  79. A Mom Who Wishes There Were More Leaves Falling Into The Pool So She Could Get Better Use Out Of That Darned Pool Skimmer
  80. A Corpulent Turd That Insists The Lazy River Wasn’t Lazy Enough
  81. A Woman Who Is Mad The URL www.summerjesus.com Is Taken
  82. A Fish Called Wanda Sykes
  83. A Person Who Shits At Bible Camp To Make A Point (and it’s pretty obvious)
  84. A Person Who Spends Their Summer Vacation Licking Pavements To See Which Pavements Taste Good
  85. A Cheeseburger Who Is Truly Pissed Off That People Won’t Just Let Her Be a Burger
  86. A Person Who Insists Coney Island Isn’t Real
  87. A Surfer Who Insists The Best Part of Surfing Is Towels
  88. A Man Who Can Only Have Sex on A Beach, Under A Full Moon
  89. A Dad Who Insists On “Grilling It Cold”
  90. A Lifeguard Who Can’t Do CPR Without A Thick Layer of Zinc On Their Nose
  91. A Standup Set By A Guy Who Says “Ain’t Nothing More Summer Than…” and It’s All Things That Reveal He Is Paul Giamatti In Disguise
  92. A Central Park Pretzel Vendor Who Tries To Speed Up Global Warming By Spraying Hair Spray All Day Long
  93. A Person Who Insists On Iced Tea
  94. A Person Who Says “I don’t drive in the summer sorry”
  95. A Guy Playing Casual Tennis Who Insists There Should Be A Line Judge
  96. A Fish Who Realizes He Can Breathe On Land But Doesn’t Want To Brag
  97. A Person Who Wants To Open Up A Fire Hydrant For Everyone To Have Fun In The Street But Thinks You Open It By Asking Nicely For It To Share Its Bounty
  98. A Person Who Thinks They See A Shark In At The Beach And Yells “Don Draper!!!”
  99. A Man Who Found His Missing Son In a Golf Hole
  100. A Person Who Insists a Good Crabcake Can Bounce
  101. A Man Who Named His Sailboat “Ocean Cunt”
  102. The Mother Who Just Discovered Tostitos Scoops At A Backyard BBQ
  103. The Man Suing Cafe Press Because They Won’t Make His Beer Coozy That Says “My Other Beer Coozy Is Your Pussy”
  104. A Woman Who Is In Her 12 Month Of Pregnancy Cause She Doesn’t Want A Summer Baby
  105. The Coast Guard Officer Who Talks About Cheese While Rescuing People From Sinking Boats
  106. A Woman Who Wear A Sweater All Summer In Case Of A Sudden Cold Snap
  107. A Guy Who ONLY Watches Pre-Season NFL Games
  108. Dude Who Brought The Frisbee To The Beach Who Doesn’t Want To Reveal That The Frisbee Is His Real Brother Who Got Turned Into A Frisbee
  109. A Man Who Has Become A Major League Pitcher Solely To Invite His HS Nemesis To A Game and Kill Him With A Wild Pitch
  110. A Summer School Student Who Was Bad All Year Just Because They Like To Learn
  111. The Best Actor At The Renaissance Faire
  112. A Bus Driver Who Went Blind Staring At The Eclipse But Won’t Admit He’s Blind
  113. A Person Telling A Ghost Story About A Man Who Loved Shrimp A Little Too Much
  114. A Priest Who Thinks Shrimp Cocktail Killed His Secret Summer Fling
  115. A Mother Who Says “The Daquiri Could Be Warmer And I Wouldn’t Mind”
  116. An Atlantic City Gambler Who Wants To Go “All In” By Betting His Toenails
  117. A Man Whose Teeth Are Too Sensitive For Anything Frozen
  118. Stick Stickley From Nickelodeon Fucks Dogs Against Their Will To Celebrate Labor Day
  119. A Sex Robot Who Knows Swimming Will Kill Her But Wants To Anyway
  120. A Man Who Has Tied A Shirt Around Himself Like A Diaper And Calls It A “Man-Sarong” And Keeps Saying “If This Is SaWrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right”
  121. The Guy At The Pool Whose Job It Is To Make Sure No One Is Having Sex In the Changing Room
  122. A Person Who Insists His Vibram Shoes Are Sandals
  123. An Employee At Six Flags Who Wishes It Was FrightFest Already
  124. A Person Who Calls Normal Chairs “Barka Loungers”
  125. Someone Who Can’t Sit Still On A Hammock
  126. A Man Who Fucks Hammock Holes
  127. A Man On The Golf Course Who Only “Golfs Wet”
  128. A Person Who Says “I”m Tanning Here!!! You Know? Like “Hey I’m Driving Here!!””
  129. Dolores Summer
  130. A Dog Who Can Only Get Hard When Locked In A Hot Car
  131. A Man Who Introduces Himself As “Mr. Coney Island”
  132. A Guy Who Cuts The Outside Off His Bathing Suit And Only Wears The Mesh and When Pressed Says “Yeah I Only Wear The Mesh”
  133. A Person Who Calls Their Hose An Inground Pool
  134. A Man Who Insists He Invented Slip N Slides First
  135. A Low-Level Member Of ISIS Who Was Supposed To Do An Attack But Heard Summer Girl by LFO and Now Loves The West
  136. The Person At The BBQ Who Insists The Hot Dogs Are Grounded Up Cow Buttholes and Penis Tips
  137. A Young Dad Who Needs A Waterballoon Launcher Today To Impress His Very Mature Son
  138. A Man Who Can’t Stop Crying Because He Missed The 4th of July
  139. A Guy With A Sunburn In The Shape of Rick Springfield’s Large Ass
  140. A Person Who Will Not Takes His Water Shoes Off For Sex
  141. A Man Who Believes You Can’t Die On August 4th
  142. Ron Jon’s Wife, Melissa Jon
  143. A Person Looking For Tank Tops That Really Accent The Crotch
  144. A Woman Who Insists Her Sunglasses Smell Like Tuna
  145. A Mailman Who Quietly Sings Songs From Grease While He Delivers The Mail And Pisses His Pants
  146. A Grown Man Who Still Holds His Nose When He Jumps In Water
  147. A Child Who Thinks Summer Could Be Colder And He’d Be Ok With It
  148. Daniel Plainview Is A Freak For Ice Cream Sandwiches
  149. A Woman Who Is Writing A Eulogy For Her Best Friend Who Died Pretending To Give A Blow Job To A Toasted Almond Good Humor Bar
  150. A Man Who Is A Werewolf For The Temperature 92 Degrees
  151. Bane Thinks The Water Is Too Cold For Swimming
  152. Bane Ordering At The Maginc Fountain Ice Cream Stand In Summit, NJ
  153. A Couple Of Stargazers Who Insist That The Big Dipper Is Actually Called “A Man’s Balls Dunking”
  154. A Person Watching The Latest Fast & Furious Movie Who Hopes The Rock Fucks A Car
  155. A Beach Kite Who Is Afraid Of Heights
  156. Someone Finding Out It’s Not Pronounced “HANDburger”
  157. Summer Cat
  158. A Person Selling Italian Ices Who Says “Try The Meat One It’s Really Good”
  159. A Person Who Insists The Best Grilled Corn Is Actually Microwaved
  160. Richard Believes The Cooler Is Lying To Us
  161. The Ghost Of The Kid Who Died From Putting Their Whole Head In A Hole on The Skeeball Machine
  162. An Australian Guy Who Keeps Thinking It’s Christmas Because In Australia, Winter Is Hot
  163. A Guy Who Wrapped His Cast In 10 Garbage Bags So He Can Go Swimming
  164. A Prison Guard Who Always Lets One Guy Out On the 4th of July
  165. A Man Who Can’t Enter A Pool Unless It’s A Cannonball
  166. A Girl Who Is Freaking Out In June About What Her Halloween Costume Will Be
  167. Tim Surfing, The Man Whose Great-Grandfather Invented Surfing Over 75 Years Ago
  168. A Hotdog Saying A Prayer That It Becomes A Hamburger
  169. An Usher At PNC Bank Arts Center Who Wants To Be A Cowboy
  170. Someone Who Has A Picnic Every Day
  171. A Woman Who Needed Her Stomach Pumped Because She Drank 32 Coconut La Croix
  172. A Man Who Can Only Get Hard By Standing Barefoot on Scorching Hot Sand
  173. A Man Who Cries When He Pisses In the Ocean
  174. A Woman Who Believes That She Swallowed A Whale Shit While Swimming In the Ocean
  175. A Priest Who Wears A Very Short “Summer Robe” During Mass
  176. The Red Priest From Game of Thrones Sees Your Summer in the Bonfire
  177. Little Lisa, The Girl Who Only Exists In The Summer
  178. A Man Who Lost the Tips Of All His Fingers When He Shoved Them In A Box Fan
  179. A Man Who Filled One Super Soaker With Piss But Can’t Remember Which one
  180. A Southern Women Sitting On The Viranda Who Has A Touch Of The Vapors Because She’s Been Huffing Glue
  181. A Mother Who Brings The Beach Umbrella Everywhere “just in case”
  182. A Man Named Mike Love Who Hates The Beach and Boys
  183. Bill Insists He DESERVES More Hot Dogs Than Everyone Else At The Church Picnic
  184. Nico Badabambino’s AUTHENTIC Italian Ices (pizza flavored)
  185. A Lifeguard Who Is Trying To Learn French
  186. A Woman Trying To Commit Suicide By Tying Chum To Herself and Screaming For Sharks To Kill Her
  187. An Evangelical Christian Nude Beach Lifeguard
  188. The Owner of A Beachside Taco Shack Called “Something’s Fishy”
  189. The Bartender At Joe Pop’s On Long Beach Island, New Jersey
  190. The DJ At The Church Picnic Who Loves Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice
  191. A Woman Who Wants To Be Punched In The Face At the Same Bar As Snooki From The Jersey Shore
  192. A Man Who Locks His Dog In The Car, Lays In the Backseat and When Someone Looks In, Pops Up and Says “ACTUALLY HE’S FINE”
  193. Stone Cold Steve Austin Quietly Chilling By A Beach Bonfire
  194. The Nursemaid Who Cleans Under Steve Bannon’s Facial Fat Rolls So He Doesn’t Get Heat Rash
  195. A Guy Who Insists You Can Fit Your Surfboard In His Scion Because “It Uses Scion Technology”
  196. The Horny 5 Year Old Who’s Trying To Hook Up In The Hot Tub
  197. A Woman Who Microwaves Coleslaw
  198. Toliver Peeson, A Man Who Has Fallen Off Three Princess Cruises
  199. The Person Who Thinks The Beach House Can See Our Privates
  200. A Man At A Picnic Who Can’t Stop Asking People “How Old Is Your Grandma?”
  201. A Man Who Lives In His Ice Cream Truck
  202. An Ice Cream Sandwich With Opinions On Incest
  203. A Guy At The Beach The Keeps Apologizing For His Pungent Piss Odor and Insists “I Haven’t Wet Myself It Just Smells So Strong You Can Smell What’s In Me”
  204. A High School Teacher Who Is Spending The Summer Trying To Become The Hottest Teacher At School Next Year
  205. A Train Conductor Who Says “Hey, Happy Summer” At Every Stop
  206. The Latest Marvel Superhero to Join The Avengers: Tad The Billabong Enthusiast
  207. A Person Who Swears You Stole Their Princess Jasmine Beach Towel
  208. A Guy Who Wears A Shirt and A Pair Of Shoes To The Beach That Say “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem” And Refuses To Take Them Off
  209. A Guy Who Tries To light The Boardwalk On Fire
  210. The Guy At The Atlantic City Casino Who Came In Soaking Wet From The Ocean To Put It All On Black
  211. A Man Who Went To Hawaii Once And Now Says “Mahalo” All The Time
  212. A Woman Who Just Found A Wallet In The Ocean And Fell In Love With The Driver’s License Picture
  213. A Woman Who Is Wearing Dishtowels Tied Up As A Sundress But Won’t Admit it
  214. Uncle Mesquite BBQ Belongs On All The Grilled Meats
  215. Mom Wants To Fill The Kiddie Pool WIth The Old Tub Water She’s Been Saving
  216. A Grown Man Who Won’t Get Off The Scrambler At The Country Fair
  217. A Woman Who Won’t Stop Screaming After Her Ball Disappeared Into the Last Hole At Minigolf
  218. A Funnel Cake Salesman Who Screams The Word “Cake” Every Time He Says It
  219. An ESPN Anchor Who Believes Minigolf Came First
  220. A Cruise Director Who Invented a Group Dance Called “Sniff The Danger”
  221. The Heavily Contested King of Summer
  222. A Ferry Captain Who Keeps Commenting on the “Rough Chop”
  223. The Couple That Came To The Singles Resort And Is Pretending They’re Single So They Can Imprison One Person Together
  224. A Guy Who Swears His Boat Has An Attic
  225. A Man Who Squeezes A Single Lemon Into A Litre Of Vodka And Calls It A Summer Cocktail
  226. The Lifeguard Who Has To Test the pH of the Pool But Does It By Taste
  227. The Guy Who Was Birthed By One Of Those Inflatable Vagina Chairs In Prospect Park
  228. A Lifeguard Whose Favorite Part Of The Day Is Telling Kids To Get Out For Adult Swim
  229. A Teen Boy Who Spent His Summer Drinking Olde English To Prepare For College
  230. A High School Freshman Who Insists He Will Only Read The Bible For His Summer Reading
  231. A Man Who Only Grows Jalapenos On His Piece Of The Community Garden
  232. The Guy Who Keeps Finding Messages In The Hair Caught In the Pool Filter
  233. A Disney World Employee Who Is Trying Real Hard To Let Them Wear His Amateur Ojka Costume Instead of Mickey Mouse
  234. A Camp Counselor Who Fell In Love With A Canoe
  235. A Camp Counselor Who Asks His Campers To Find Him A Girlfriend
  236. A Camp Counselor Who Calls Underwear “Burrito Wrappers”
  237. A Parent Whose Child Never Came Home From Camp
  238. A Person Who Runs Around The Pool Not Because It’s Against The Rules But Because They Fear That The Water Will Get Them If They Slow Down
  239. A Man With An Above Ground Pool Full Of Crystal Light
  240. The Troll That Hides Beneath The Front Seat Of The Ice Cream Truck
  241. Okja at the Beach
  242. A Bottle of Sunscreen That Believes It Is Murder To Squeeze Her Innards On People Just To Protect Their Skins
  243. The Guy Who Married The Fourth of July Fireworks And Hasn’t Looked Back Since
  244. A Boogie Board Salesperson Who Thinks Beef Jerky Could Afford To Be Wetter
  245. Hipsmitch Montebank VonStrussel on “How To Have A Proper Fancy Summer”
  246. A Vampire Showing Off Their New Bathingsuit (covers everything)
  247. A Person Who Keeps Insisting “Summer is Over Put Your Clothes Back On” on Memorial Day
  248. A Man Who Identifies As A Hot Dog Takes Offense To The Hot Dog Vendors At Yankee Stadium
  249. A Girl Who Goes Camping With a White Walker
  250. A Guy Who Does Tricks On His SkiDoo But All Of The Tricks Are Card Tricks
  251. A Juggler Who Only Juggles When It’s Warm Out
  252. A Man Who Begged His Work To Cancel Summer Fridays Because He Loves His Job And Hates His Cats
  253. A Hermit Crab Who Went Backward Into His Shell And Decided To Stay That Way
  254. A Man Whose Sunburn Peeled And Revealed A Layer Of Purple Flesh
  255. A Man Who Is Suing His Gym Because His Beach Body Didn’t Come Out
  256. A Fortune 500 CEO Who Takes Every Summer Off To Play In A Guns n Roses Cover Band At The Jersey Shore
  257. A Man Who Loves HIs Allergies
  258. A Father Who Insists His Evil Stepchildren Do The Driving This Road Trip
  259. A Guy Who Has Converted His Pontiac Sunfire Into A Slip N Slide
  260. Jackson The Clown Who Only Performs In Cold Swimming Pools
  261. A Teen Girl Who Loved Prom Weekend So Much She Moved Into The Motel Where It All Happened
  262. A High School Quarterback Who Asks His Coach If He Can Wear More Pads During Summer Workouts
  263. A Man Who Insists “Drinks Aren’t The Only Frozen Treats In The Summer” And He’s Referring To His Recently Frozen Dick
  264. A Girl Who Reads All of Her Summer Novels For School With Goggles On
  265. “My Summer Vacation” by Biff Stiff The Boy Who Thinks Vacations Are What You Call Pooping
  266. A Boy Who Has Only Eaten Ice Pops Since Memorial Day
  267. A Man Who Lives At Sandals Resort Because He Crunched the Numbers and “It’s Cheaper”
  268. A Little Boy Who Dissolved A Booger In The Lemonade His Sells His Neighbors
  269. Mrs. Kershaw, Who Sued To Have Every Block Party in the Town Shut Down
  270. A Person Who Has Gotten By On Only Eating Waffle Cones After Being Trapped In A Good Humor Truck for 9 Years
  271. The Priest Who Insists Heaven Is Nothing Like Summer
  272. A Boy Named Sam Who Wants To Call It “Summer of Sam” And It Very Pissed David Berkowitz Got There First
  273. The Person Who Can Only Experience 5 More Summers Before They Fly Away
  274. Mr Met Addresses The Leaks Of His Nudes From His Recent Nude Beach Day
  275. Aunt Shayleene Wore A Garbage Bag as a Bathing Suit Again And She’s Not Backing Down
  276. An Old Man Who Says “Back In My Day Summer Was Just Something You Could Buy In A Can At The Citgo Station And Now It’s a Whole Season?”
  277. A French Canadian Tourist Who Keeps Saying “You Yankees Like It Hot, Oui?”
  278. A Man Who Took His Kids Sprinkler and Put It in the Toilet Cause His Bidet Broke
  279. A Dad Who Insists The Bucket Used For Mopping The Floor Is Safe As A Pool
  280. A Man Who Told His Co-Workers He’d Have a Catchphrase By The End Of The Summer
  281. A Man Who Threw A Rotten Watermelon in The Pool For His Kids To Use As A Toy And Flipped When It Cracked Open Upon Imapct
  282. A Man Whose Idea of “Casual Summer Fridays” Is To Dress Up As A Dominos Delivery Boy
  283. Sebastian Gorka The Crab From The Little Mermaid
  284. A Grown Man Who Decided To Get Every Vaccine This Summer
  285. A Woman Who Insist The Iced Coffee Is the Default May - September And Every Barista Should Know That
  286. A Man Who Keeps Screaming “Which One Of You Fuckers Left My Precious Ice Sculpture of George Soros’ Beautiful Ass In The Hot Sun To Melt?”
  287. An Ice Cream Man Who Quits Every Day
  288. A Man Who Never Stopped Calling Z100 To Request Smooth by Rob Thomas and Santana
  289. Rita Of Rita’s Italian Ices Apologizes For The Racist Ices
  290. Someone Who Drives To Billy Joel’s Piano Shaped House In Long Branch, New Jersey and Says “Dang” For an Hour
  291. Dave Thomas From Wendy’s Is Alive And Living Inside The Chamber Of A Super Soaker
  292. A Guy Who Insists “Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm” by The Crash Test Dummies Is Currently And Has Been The Song Of Summer Every Summer Since Its Debut
  293. A Man Who Purees Lobsters Rolls Cause He Loves The Taste But Hates The Cals
  294. A Guy Who Calls The Hamptons “The Himptims”
  295. A Guy Who Starts Boarding Up His Windows And Says “This Is The Big One!!” Any Time A Good Gust Rolls Through
  296. The Guy Who Waits Naked Underwater So He Can Flash People On Their Glass Bottom Boat Ride
  297. A Woman Who Goes Alone To Every Concert At PNB Bank Arts Center And Hands Out Jello Shots In the Parking Lot
  298. A Person Whose Favorite Thing About Summer Is The Kia Summer Sales Event “Hands down”
  299. A Small Town Mayor Who Agreed To Be in A Summer Carnival Dunk Tank Because He Believed No One Would Dare
  300. A Man Who Invented A Bathing Suit For His Penis
  301. A Woman Who Has “Finally Solved The Problem Of Water Shooting Up Your Ass And Out Your Mouth When You Jump In The Pool”
  302. A Man Who Is Building A Small Brick Wall For Summer
  303. A Woman Who Won’t Let Anyone Light Her Backyard Fire Pit Except For Her
  304. The Ferris Wheel Operator At Coney Island Who Claims There Is A Button That Can Make The Wheel Go 100MPH
  305. A Woman Who Insists Her Sun-In Dyed Hair Is Just Natural Highlights
  306. A Woman Whose Goal Is To Kiss 100 New People This Summer
  307. A Boy Who Has Spent The Summer Waxing His Toboggan
  308. A Woman With No Training Who Believes She Is Very Good At Dancing the Hula
  309. A Salt Water Taffy Maker Who Just Wants To Use Regular Water For Once
  310. The Grill Master At The Madison Community Pool
  311. A Grown Man Who Has Been Banned From the High Dive
  312. A Woman Who Began a Change.Org Petition to Make “Ave Maria” The Song Of The Summer
  313. A Different Joey Chestnut
  314. An Summer School Class That Forged An Incredibly Tight Bond
  315. A Woman Who Sits By The Side of The Ocean and Silently Baptizes Everyone Who Walks Out
  316. A Summer School Teacher Who Realizes He’s Been Using The Wrong Book This Whole Time
  317. A Woman Who Rubs Toothpaste All Over Her Body To Stay Minty Fresh ‘n’ Cool
  318. A Person Whose Bathing Suit Keeps Getting Sucked Up Their Ass
  319. A Man Who Can Only Breath If He’s Parasailing
  320. A Woman Who Just Realized There’s A House Attached To The Porch She’s Been Living On Since May
  321. A Man Who Brings A Gallon of Homemade Ceviche To BBQs
  322. A Person Who Is Upset That The Nathan’s Hot Dog Employee Doesn’t Know What It Means To Make His Hot Dog “Vacation Style”
  323. A Swim Instructor Who Kindly Thinks You Just Aren’t Cut Out For This
  324. A Father Returning His Flintstones Push Pops Because He Thought It Was “Summer Cheese” & Won’t Leave Til The Stop & Shop Provides Him With “Summer Cheese”
  325. A Man Who Cut His Ass Off With The Lawnmower Because He Thought Maybe It Could Do Something About All That Hair Back There
  326. A Person Who Can’t Sleep Unless The Cooler Is Filled With Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas
  327. Howard Yontis: The Dentist Who Wears A Speedo While He Does Root Canals
  328. Senor Pepe The Frog
  329. Nadine Is Upset That She’s Been To The Beach 5 Times This Year And A Dolphin Still Hasn’t Tried To Fuck Her
  330. A Man Who Eats Tuna Fish Sandwiches In The Ocean To “Show Them Who’s Boss”
  331. Gene Short: Inventor of Jean Shorts
  332. Cape Todd: The Cape Cod Regular Named Todd Who Always Wears A Cape
  333. Cape May: The Cape May Caped Vigilante Who Murders Candy Kitchen Employees
  334. A Man Who Planted Tomatoes But They Came Up Pumpkins
  335. A Man Who Hasn’t Worn A Shirt Since April 30th
  336. Kitty Pool: A Shallow Woman Filled With Piss
  337. A Man Trying To Buy A Grill At Home Depot That He Can Fit His Whole Body In “When It’s Not On Of Course”
  338. A Family That Goes Apple Picking In The Summer Because They Don’t Trust A Ripe Apple
  339. A Priest At A Beach Wedding Who Refuses To Take His Shoes Off
  340. A Pumpkin Who Will Turn Back Into A Carriage On Labor Day
  341. A Ghost Whose Unfinished Business Is Doing A Cannoball Off The Diving Board Without Getting A Boner
  342. A Man At A Nude Beach Who Is Wearing A Full Suit WIth Just The Genitals Cut Out
  343. A Person Who Asks Everyone Eating Corn If He Can Have Their Cob
  344. The Secretary Who Swears Air Conditioning Is Bad For Digestion
  345. The Kid Who Is Holding Up The Waterslide Line Because He Wants To Go Down The Waterslide With His Chicken Nuggets Happy Meal
  346. A Weather Man Who Is Forced To Give The Weather Report Live Via Satellite While On Vacation in Jamaica for Grand Rapids, Michigan
  347. Luther Can Only Get Off In Inground Pools
  348. Coleman: The Man Who Is Also A Tent That You Can Sleep In
  349. Dad Is Turning This Car Around Right Now If You Kids Don’t Start Fighting
  350. Dylan Can’t Sleep Under The Stars Because Of What He Did To Them
  351. Lin Manuel Viranda
  352. Ester Wouldn’t Be Alive If Not For The Pair Of Boat Shoes That Rescued Her
  353. A Man Who Hasn’t Been Going To Work All Summer Cause He Just Assumed Work Was Closed Like School
  354. Del Woodruff: The Latin Teacher Who Teaches Latin To Dogs During The Summer
  355. Chad Wears Croakies On All Of His Clothes, Not Just His Sunglasses
  356. A Person Who Believes Riptide Is Just “Fart Detergent”
  357. A Sunglasses Hut Employee Who Insists You Should Wear Your RayBans While Scuba Diving
  358. A Man Who Has Sat In The Parking Lot Of A Nude Beach Every Day, Praying For Courage And A Slightly Larger Penis
  359. A Person Who Keeps Saying “I Know This Is Crazy But I Think I Can See England” While Standing on the Beach
  360. A Person Who Swears They See The Face of Howie Mandel In Their Bottle of Sand Art
  361. A Guy At A Pig Roast Who Keeps Looking At The Roasting Pig And Saying “Must Be Nice”
  362. The Dad Who Is Upset That Lowe’s Won’t Sell Him Road Salt In The Summer
  363. Lawrence, The Cow Who Eats Beach Sand Instead of Grass
  364. Siobhan The Boardwalk Leprechaun
  365. Keither Supperland: The Man Who Brought A 1998 Gateway Computer To The Community Pool
  366. The Woman Who Is Sticking Her Bare Ass Out The Car Window To Let It Cool
  367. A Man Who Claims He Can ONLY Walk On The Dunes
  368. A Man Who Wears A Condom In The Ocean In Case A Dolphin Tries To Fuck Him
  369. A Guy Who Insists You Can Use A Basketball For Volleyball
  370. A Person Attending Shakespeare In The Park Who Is Upset There Was No Magic Act
  371. The Governor of Governors Island
  372. A Person Who Insists Their Slanted Roof That Is Too Dangerous To Be On Top Of Is Just As Good As Any Other Roof in NYC
  373. The Captain Of The Booze Cruise Has An Unfortunate Announcement Regarding The “Vodka Ice Luge”
  374. The Tennis Player Who Yells “Hatchi Matchi!” Every Time They Hit The Ball
  375. Moana Lisa
  376. A Woman Who Gets On A Hot Train Car and Says “Nom Nom, People Soup”
  377. A Woman Who Has Purchased Every J. Crew Whisper Cotton Tee At Full Price
  378. Benjamin Franklin Tastes Sangria For The First Time
  379. A Man Who Brought A Real Garbage Can Filled With Garbage To The Park And Says It’s A Legit “KanJam”
  380. A Woman Who Prefers Her Guacamole To Be Sweet
  381. The Kid At The Community Pool Who Can’t Swim Without A Snorkel & Flippers
  382. The Woman Who Wears A Full Mermaid Suit To Swim
  383. A Man Whose Penis Is A Pool Noodle And He Likes It That Way
  384. The Guy Who Bought The “Deluxe” Lazy River Tube That Comes With An Order of Chateaubriand
  385. Goldberg From The Mighty Ducks Also Farts In The Pool
  386. A Hockey Player Weeping Over MSG’s Basketball Court Saying “Where Do You Go In Summer, Girl?”
  387. The Fisherman From I Know What You Did Last Summer Right Before He Is Murdered Simply Enjoying His Summer
  388. A Man Who Always Forgets His Waist Length Hair Is A Wig And Dives In The Pool With It On
  389. A Stoner At The Beach Who Smokes Seaweed
  390. A Woman Putting Her Christmas Tree On the Curb In August
  391. An Old Boy Scout Teaches Children All Of The Practical Uses Of A Sled During The Summer
  392. A Woman Named July Believes Christmas Is Inside Her When People Say “Christmas in July”
  393. A Woman Who Wears Only A Diaper In The Pool Cause “If The Babies Can, So Can I”
  394. A Man Suing His Local Ice Cream Stand For Not Carrying Frosty Paws
  395. A Man Who Insists on Wearing “Bathing Pants” - An Invention Of His
  396. The Boy Who Can’t Do Cannonballs Anymore Because Everytime He Does Someone He Loves Dies
  397. Phlip Flop: The King of Flip Flops
  398. A Man Whose Balls Actually Don’t Sweat At All In The Heat And He’ll Prove It
  399. A Dad Who Has Converted His Finished Basement Into A “Working Backyard”
  400. A Nun Who Thinks It’s Ok To Have An Abortion During A Heat Wave
  401. A Man Who Insists His Store Back Home Takes Sand Dollars
  402. The Mom Who Figured Out How To Make Ice Cream on The Grill And It’s “Easier Than You Think”
  403. A Man Who Buried Ice Cubes In His Backyard And Thinks It’s Going To Grow A Pool
  404. A Woman Who Lets All Her Cats And Lizards Free On The First Day Of Summer
  405. A Person Who Got Sucked Into The Pool Filter And On The Other Side Was Narnia But A Little Different
  406. A Man With A Swimming Pool Full Of Pasta FaZOOOOL :)
  407. “Ug” Lee from Salute Your Shorts Wants To Talk About Childs Who Bully Adults
  408. A Band Camp Counselor Who Wants To Ask The Kids If They Really Do Have Sex There
  409. Guy Fieri’s Bathing Suit
  410. A Guy Who Every Time He Gets Hot Says “Hey Remember The TV Show Hey Dude?”
  411. Nathan: The Man At The Tiki Bar Who Is Pissed You Didn’t Serve Him His Amstel Light In A Tiki Cup
  412. Nadine Is Quietly Upset That She Had To Take Down The Tiki Torches From Her Backyard Since She Doesn’t Support White Supremacists Because She Really Got A Good Deal At Costco
  413. A Man Who Insists On Saving Lobster Shells For A Project Of His And When Asked About It He Always Just Says “You’ll see…”
  414. A Man Who Dips One Body Part A Time In His Toilet Cause He Don’t Need A Pool Like His Fancy Fuckin Brother
  415. Arch Bishop Ken Who Gave the Pope A Pair Of Ray Bans
  416. The Man Who Gets Lost And Panics While In A Rowboat In Central Park
  417. Tiny Imperiale - The Man Who Wanted To Propose In The Balloon Boy Balloon
  418. Gino Jalapeno, Who Lost His Virginity To A Hot Tub Jet Hole
  419. A Woman Writing A Book About A Lighthouse
  420. Lon Donald Malifornay: The Human Super Soaker
  421. The Doctor Who Insists A Jellyfish Can Swim Up Your Ass “And Trust Me I’ve Seen It”
  422. Skitch Manfredo, Monaco’s Best Jetskier
  423. A Man Who Overhand Throws When He Plays Skeeball
  424. A Guy In An Ice Cream Mascot Costume Who Ate Too Much Potato Salad
  425. Tobert Constance Bon Jovi, The Man Who Brought A Kiddie Pool To The Drive In Movie
  426. A Man Who Has Lost Over $10,000 On Boardwalk Games
  427. Mana Tee, The Guy Who Boat Propellers Always Confuse For A Manatee
  428. The Coast Guard Rescuer Who Always Brings Up His Favorite Episodes Of Judge Judy
  429. Edgar The Sugar Water Alien from Men in Black’s First Time In The Ocean
  430. Cupid Hates The Summer
  431. A Person Who Orders Their Hot Dogs “Buns Only Please”
  432. A Guy Who’s Really Curious If You Can Eat The Coals From The BBQ After They’ve Cooled
  433. Billiam Butter: A Man Who Lost His Whole Top Skin To A Slip Side
  434. The Guy Who Brought Bocce To The Picnic
  435. A Woman Who Insists On Going “No Sticks” At Shuffleboard
  436. A Man Who Brings Chum To The Pool To Keep The Sharks Distracted In The Deep End
  437. A Guy Who Is Really Trying To Make A Water Bed Work As A Raft But Doesn’t Understand Buoyancy
  438. The Park Ranger Who Makes You Stir The Fire With A Stick For One Full Hour After Putting It Out “Just To Be Safe”
  439. A Man Who Won’t Leave Can’t Leave His Home That Is In The Path Of A Forest Fire WIthout His Toilet Because It’s The Toilet That Elvis Died On
  440. A Man Whose Tongue Is Stuck In a Corona Bottle
  441. A Woman Who Won’t Stop Ordering A “Funky Cold Medina”
  442. The Dominos Manager Who Makes Every Employee Hose Down Before They Handle The Dough In The Summer
  443. Elon Musk On the Beach At Dusk
  444. A Whining Child At A Baseball Game Who Unknowingly Recites All of The Lyrics to “Take me out to the ball game” as a genuine temper tantrum
  445. A High School Teacher Who Can’t Wait To See How Tall Last Year’s Freshman Got
  446. An Ice Cream Truck Driver That Only Serves “Loose Scoops”
  447. Donald Trump Has People To Blame For His Sunburn
  448. The Water Polo Team Captain Addressing For The Last Time Why A Condom Isn’t Just A “Better Speedo”
  449. Dorito Sanders, The Worst Lifeguard In Florida
  450. An Ocean Lifeguard Who Cruises The Strip Looking For Pool Lifeguards to Fuq With
  451. Abigail Lauderdale, Great-Granddaughter of Fort Lauderdale
  452. Hurley from Lost Enjoys A Quiet Moment On The Beach
  453. A Man Returning His Squirt Bottle With Fan Attachment Because It Made Him Accidentally Cream His Jeans In Front Of His Mother
  454. A Woman Who Wears Tampons Under Her Arms Instead of Deoderant
  455. A Woman Who Prints Full-Size Photos Of Bathing Suits So She Can “Try Them On” Before She Orders Them
  456. Catalina Binkley: The Woman Who Is Secretly Living Inside A Buoy In The Atlantic And Hopes No One Finds Out
  457. A Man Whose Bachelor Pad Is Furnished Entirely With Inflatable Pool Toys and Rafts
  458. Vegan Monica Insists Bacon Is Vegan During The Summer
  459. A Boy Trying To Convince Everyone He Actually Went to The Moon For Summer Vacation And He Keeps Saying “Ask My Dad”
  460. The Little League Right Fielder Who Thinks He’s At Bat Right Now And Doesn’t Get Why The Pitcher Isn’t Pitching To Him
  461. A Man Who Only Swims When There’s a Riptide
  462. A Person Who Isn’t Concerned About Being In “Bathing Suit Shape” But IS Concerned About Being In Solar Eclipse Shape
  463. Lou Taco: A Man Who Lives In A Sandcastle
  464. A Person Who Buys All Of Their Clothing For The Year At The Boardwalk Gift Shop
  465. A Whale Leading A Sight-Seeing Tour For Whales Trying To See Boats Of Humans Who Want to See Whales IDKKKKKKK

  466. A Single, 45 Year Old Man Who Went To Australia For Summer And Is Upset That It’s Cold
  467. The High Schooler Who Is Doing An Official Yearbook Signing At A Barnes & Noble
  468. A Man Who Didn’t Know You Could Cook Food On Things Other Than A Propane Grill
  469. Hank Hill From King Of The Hill Talks About Chlorine
  470. Angelica Swears Her Hair Turned White Because There Was Too Much Chlorine In The Pool And Not Because She Got So Scared Watching The Ring That It Damaged Her Soul
  471. A Man Who Ate Chili Because He Thought It Would Cool Him Down
  472. A Man Who Rides a Unicycle At The Beach
  473. The Guy Who Won’t Leave The Wawa Walk-In Cooler Til The Heat Wave Breaks
  474. Luigi Pastafini - The Man Who Only Makes Uncooked Pies In The Summer
  475. The Man Who Brought Two Large Uncooked Digiornos To The Picnic And Can’t Believe No One Brought An Oven
  476. The Guy Who Keeps The Sidecar Of His Motorcyle Filled With Frozen Margarita Mix All Summer Long
  477. A Man Whose Ass Actually Becomes A Small Swamp In Summer
  478. The Guy On The Cruise Ship Who Keeps Saying “This Carnival Cruise Is A Titanic 2 Waiting To Happen”
  479. The Leader Of The Cruise Ship’s Improv Troupe Gives The Team A Pep Talk
  480. The Principal Who Takes  A Job As A Low Level Lifeguard To Her Students Every
  481. Summer
  482. Jaime Lannister Tries To Swim
  483. Carrie Coons Prefers To Enjoy Her Time In This Pool As Music From HBO’s The Leftovers Plays
  484. The Reporter Assigned To Report On A Sunburn That Everyone Is Saying Looks Exactly Like Andy Milonakis’ Face
  485. A Woman Who Demands A “Turbo-Wax” For Her Bikini Line
  486. The Person Who Wears Bathing Suits as Normal Clothes And Normal Clothes As Bathing Suits
  487. A Man Who Is ALWAYS Ready For A Dip
  488. A Woman Who
  489. The Person Who Thinks Anything Can Be A Smoothie If You Have Enough Ice
  490. Rose Vlogs About Day 5 of her 30 day “Rosé All day Challenge”
  491. A Person Who Brought Two Rolls Of Brawny Paper Towels As Their Beach Towel
  492. A Man Who Plans To Hold His Breath Underwater For The Duration of The Eclipse
  493. A Person Who Only Went On Vacation To Hawaii Because He Suspects They’re Hoarding All Of The GOOD Spam
  494. Jiffy McQuiffy: The Detective Who Can Only Solve Crimes When He’s On Vacation
  495. A Waitress Who Calls People Seated Outside “Steerage”
  496. A Snowman Who Has Lived Through Summer But Wants To Die
  497. A Person Who Made Watermelon Sangria Using Only Jolly Ranchers And Doesn’t Think It’s Related To Why They’re In The Hopsital Today
  498. A Man Who Freezes His Water Balloons For “Maximum Effect”
  499. The Priest Who Celebrates Summer Easter

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